Look! A bonus podcast! Janine, Lindsey and I tackle what we want to see, and what we hope we don't see, next season on Glee. Will we watch if they bring in a new cast of singers? Can a show like this sustain itself over the long run? And will Glee be more British "Skins" or "Saved By The Bell: The New Class?"
The kids hit the Big Apple on Glee, which entails original songs, a few appearances on Broadway stages, a "shocking" kiss, and a marked lack of heckling. Every time we've been to New York, there's been heckling.
We're torn on the episode. There were some sweet parts -- Rachel and Fin's date, Kurt and Rachel's duet and Shue's realization, among others -- and parts we weren't so thrilled with. Exhibit A: Original songs. We get why the show is doing it (and it involved buckets of cash), but we can't help but feel that it lessens our enjoyment of the show. What's the point if you can't sing along?
Lindsey, Janine and I dissect what we liked, what we didn't, and what we think of when everyone else is thinking about, say, the thrill of being on a major stage (I was thinking "Look out for Teamsters!") Take a listen, then tell us whether you agree or disagree with our assessment of the finale.
"Nothing makes me want to click my heels more than suspenders, a neckerchief, and some colorful balloons!"
When we first heard about the extended Lady Gaga episode of Glee, we were a little annoyed. After we watched the episode we understood: those extra 30 minutes allowed for more complete storytelling, letting the plots luxuriously expand and acquire a bit more flavor. But now we're annoyed again, because as enjoyable as that extended episode was it could have been much better employed for the season finale, which was stuffed tighter than a summer sausage.
I'm having an out-of-Lima experience
Naturally, a show that is ordinarily staged in Lima, Ohio (coughCaliforniacough) is going to look a little off in the streets of New York City. And also naturally, kids going to NYC for the first time are going to be wound up like toddlers on a steady diet of Pixi Stix. But with lines as subtle as a Merry Melody cartoon and a completely butchered-for-the-sake-of-updating "New York, New York," we were already out of our comfort zone in the first five minutes. Also, we were really worried one of those kids was going to fall off the Lincoln Center fountain.
Read on for the "unscripted" on stage snafu!
A shorter Broadway stint than Julie Taymor's. Too soon?
While the kids are writing their competition songs (WAY too late, by the way. No wonder they lost...), Schue is heading out to April Rhodes' theater to sing "Still Got Tonight" to no one but a random usher (we think?) who says he's "got it." Thanks for that, unidentified, un-vetted eavesdropper! But when Schue runs into Vocal Adrenaline's Dustin Goolsby, he realizes it's the kids that light up his life, not the Broadway spotlight. Which is touching, but we think it's mostly an easy out for not having Kristen Chenoweth in this episode, having Schue back home next season and cutting a story short for time purposes.
Sometimes cliche is a good thing
Though we were less than lukewarm about "New York, New York," we did love the homages to Capote and "Wicked" and the Gershwin overtones, with "Rhapsody in Blue" and "Someone to Watch Over Me" let us see the city through the kids' rose-colored glasses. Naturally Finn and Rachel would go to Sardi's and see Patti LuPone, while Kurt and Rachel's trip to Fifth Avenue and a Broadway theater were completely in step with our expectations without being grating.
Though for all the expected-ness of these scenes, it was the unexpected that ruffled our feathers. Glee pulled a bait-and-switch with Kurt and Rachel, and when we were eagerly anticipating a power-house "Defying Gravity" to mark Rachel's stratospheric ambitions, we got a touching illustration of their matured friendship with "For Good." Don't get us wrong, they performed the hell out of that song and we're glad we got a relationship study instead of another nod to Rachel's big New York dreams, but it's a bit of a letdown when you start preemptively singing to the television only to find out you've chosen the wrong tune. What, you guys don't do that, too?
"Bella Notte" was adorable, but we missed the meatball-nudge scene -- until we remembered Brittany already knocked that one out of the park.
Divas have to stick together, if only for those VH1 concerts
Sunshine is nervously heaving in the bathroom at nationals and making ridiculous threats of getting herself deported back to the Philippines to escape Vocal Adrenaline. Rachel consoles her, and we almost start lamenting her gullibility until Rachel reminds us that yes, she does owe Sunshine a solid. And really, giving a thumbs up from the audience isn't exactly giving a kidney. Charice and Vocal Adrenaline's performance was impressive yet still slightly boring, but we think that speaks to "As Long As You’re There" more than singing ability. It's really tough to top that pint-sized siren.
Unless you make out on stage like Finn and Rachel, that is. Unfortunately, that's all we can remember from the merely passable "Pretending," which means that Jesse was right when he called Finn out for his lip-lock timing and lack of professionalism. "Light Up the World" was far more enjoyable and justified Schue's resistance toward picking one star to lead New Directions -- all of the kids shone in this number, despite the unvaried vocals.
Sometimes we make our own happy endings
Finn's ill-timed kiss ended up losing the kids a place in the top ten, and the next thing we know Kurt is recapping the disaster to Blaine back in Ohio. But Kurt isn't bummed, and we agree. He got to go to New York with his best friends and sing in front of hundreds (thousands?) of people, and he learns that Blaine is in love with him. And looking back on our own experience, no number of accolades were as pivotal as your first love uttering those three little words. Still, the quick shift back to the Midwest felt unsatisfying and rough-cut, another negative result of the over-crowded plot.
We got some lovely exposition with Santana and Brittany, including Santana screaming at Rachel in Spanish and Brittany importing more words of wisdom and kindness, further tipping the scale in favor of "savant" over "idiot." Meanwhile, Sam and Mercedes are carrying out a secret relationship and Rachel and Finn are back together. Until they graduate, that is.
What did you guys think? Were you happy with the season-ender or did you also feel it was a little too crammed? Will the kids make it back to NYC next year? Should Schue have given Broadway a real shot? Are you also going to try to sneak onto the "Wicked" stage the next time you're in New York? To the comments!
Notes n' Quotes
Puck: I wanna throw stuff off the Brooklyn Bridge.
Rachel: He did seem crazy, he charged my credit card by swiping it through his butt crack.
Mercedes: Did you know that New York City was built on top of Old York City?
Tina: I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Mercedes: Well, I'm just pretty.
Kurt: I feel like Eloise.
Kurt: I'm spending the summer writing "Pip, Pip, Hooray." It's a musical about Pippa Middleton.
Sam: I don't know who that is.
Dustin Goolsby: I hate my kids. I would literally whip them if I could.
Dustin Goolsby: My kids are at least attractive, yours look like they haven't been baked properly.
Brittany: This is going to look so hot on Lord Tovington. I'm going to go find an extra large.
Finn: It was the Superman of kisses. It came with its own cape.
Santana: Do you think this voodoo doll looks enough like Rachel Berry to actually work?
Final thoughts
We can't tell if we're disappointed or relieved that Quinn was pacified in her evil plans (which we didn't even really uncover...). And we know that it was Santana and Brittany's support that really helped, but we're sick of the new-haircuts-help-you-life-transition thing.
Did Goolsby check out Schue when they met at the hotel?? Did anyone else SEE that??
Why didn't Jesse come to New York in the first place? Isn't he an assistant coach or something? It's not like he has anything better to do back in Ohio. And if the trip was really just a romantic gesture toward Rachel, can't we give the guy some props for that? Flights have gotten REALLY expensive lately.
We can't get over how outdated and strange the lyrics to "New York, New York" sounded in that format. We actually confused it for the show's mediocre songwriting at first.
Can Mark Salling really play the accordion? Because that would be awesome.
Oh, Glee, why must you make us weep openly? It's not fair to deploy WIlly Wonka when we're emotionally invested -- that's bound to bring on the waterworks!
Seriously, Jeanie's funeral was wonderfully touching, but we're a bit bummed that the show had to knock her off to make Sue human again. Maybe if she hadn't descended so far into caricature (Really, Sue? Libya?), they wouldn't have had to take such drastic measure. Lindsey, Janine and I also discuss song choices (Lindsey and I loved Kurt's song, while Janine was unimpressed), Jesse's attractiveness, Schue's potential fate (why pack up everything if you only think you'll be gone for a few months at most?) and Mercedes' and Rachel's awesome pipes. Plus, what's Quinn planning, and will any of us survive her wrath?
One Tree Hill gave us a lovely, elegiac series finale... and then ruined it by telling us they were coming back next year. Darcel and I don't get it. Everyone's finally happy. Why do you want to screw that up? What more do you have to say? How many more times can you make Brooke cry, or have Jamie teach us a valuable lesson? Will you unload a whole psych ward full of stalkers to give the final season that little bit of extra frisson? Why have the show come full circle so beautifully if you're just going to make it spin out of control again? What gives?
As you might have guessed, we're grumpy about the show's renewal. But are we right? Listen and find out!
The season finale of Gossip Girl left us with a few genuine surprises, a few lingering questions, and the last suspenseful hostage drama of all time. Seriously, does Russell Thorpe honestly think he's a bad-ass? Because he folded like a cheap suit when Raina deployed her puppy-dog eyes. Feh.
Lindsey, Janine and I discuss true love (is it tempestuous dram and occasional crashed bar mitzvahs, or is it someone who will wait at a party for hours because he believes in you?), true narcissism (seriously, Serena had to get Nate and Dan to schlep out to school so she could tell them... nothing?), true guile (we seriously didn't see the Charlie reveal coming) and true hate (there's nothing redeeming about Vanessa. Out!). Plus, we argue about Serena's vacation plans and job prospects, wonder about the pregnancy test, and debate the changes in Eric's physique over the past seasons. All that, plus Georgina! Wheee!
Bobby and the boys keep an eye out for unlikely plot twists.
Supernatural dives into the Lovecraft mythos, sort of, but there's nary a non-Euclidean angle or tentacled monstrosity in sight. We feel cheated. We suppose it's good we weren't driven to madness by the Elder Gods... but we're a wee bit worried about the Younger God. The thought of Cas as an insane deity is a little much to take, you know?
Lovecraft, you idjit!
OK, some background. Once upon a time, there was a writer named H.P. Lovecraft, and his stories were awesome. Seriously, go read them. You've got a summer off from Supernatural, and what else are you going to do, go outside? Feh!
ANYway. Lovecraft was obsessed with opening doors to other dimensions. One day, at a dinner party, he and his friends did just that. (We'll stick to Trivial Pursuits as our after-dinner entertainment, okay?) They cracked open purgatory, and something fell out. This particular something took up residence in Lovecraft's maid and then spent the next year killing everyone involved. Then -- after sending the meatsuit's son to the looney bin -- she settled down to the life of a medieval studies professor and occasional bedmate of Bobby Singer. Yup, Professor Visyak, the woman who had the dragon-killing sword, is a former resident of purgatory.
Read on for angsty Dean, Wooby Sam, deified Cas and more!
Crowley's plan
Meanwhile, Crowley's minions kidnap Lisa and Ben in an effort to distract the boys. He reasons that while the Winchesters are looking for Dean's "ex-lady-friend and not-kid," they won't be looking for him and Cas. Cas is not happy with this arrangement, but dude, you had to know getting into bed with Crowley would entail things like this.
Dean attempts to torture Lisa and Ben's whereabouts from a passel of demons, but eventually he breaks the Devil's Trap, and a demon almost ganks him. Cas steps in and saves Dean, but Dean is feeling all betrayed, so there's more posturing and "you're like family!" and "You have to trust me!" and blah blah blah not going to happen. They remain broken-up. Sob!
The rescue
The boys summon Balthazar for help, and he's initially unwilling, but after the guys tell him that Cas is consorting with Crowley, he changes his mind. (We imagine Balthy crying over his diary, scribbling, "But I thought I was the snarky Brit Cas loved!") He brings Sam and Dean to the demon safe-house, and the boys stage a rescue mission. Sam gets knocked out almost immediately, but Dean finds Lisa and Ben -- but Lisa is possessed. Again, this should not come as a shock to Dean. What does come as a shock is that when Dean tries to exorcize the demon, possessed Lisa stabs herself in the gut. If he expels her, the meat suit dies!
Dean completes the exorcism anyway, then drafts a shell-shocked Ben into demon fighting as they battle their way out. Poor kid! They make it to the hospital, but it looks like Lisa is going to die, and Ben can't forgive Dean. Fortunately, Cas has one good deed left in him -- he heals Lisa, and then, at Dean's request, erases him from their minds. Lisa and Ben think they were in a car crash, and Dean says he's the one who hit them, then wishes them a nice life. We now have a convenient plot reason why they shall never be mentioned again. Jealous DeanGirls everywhere rejoice.
Sam, meet Sam
Now a reason for SamGirls to squee -- we've got two Sams for the price of one! See, Cas put a mind whammy on Sam, and he's inside his own head attempting to reintegrate his splintered personality. That entails Wooby Sam having tearful conversations with Snarky Souless Sam, plus gunfights! That was fun!
Then Wooby Sam has to reintegrate Hellspawn Sam, and... it's not pretty. Will he survive? Spoiler alert: Yes. But there damn well better be ramifications next season, or there was a whole lot of buildup for nothing.
Double-triple-mega-cross
Cas decides to renegotiate the terms of his deal with Crowley -- he takes all the souls, Crowley gets none. Crowley can then flee or die. Apparently, angels aren't bound by deals like humans are. Crowley chooses to flee... right to Raphael, who is more than happy to let Crowley have a few souls so long as she gets most of the power. Now Cas has the option of fleeing or dying. He flees.
But guess what! Cas took the secret sauce that makes opening Purgatory so sinfully delicious! While Crowley and Raphael are attempting to open the door with tasteless dog blood, Cas uses the Colonel's Original Recipe of half virgin/half monster blood, which gives him access to the souls. He absorbs them all, and gets mega-powerful -- and more than a little loopy. He explodes Raphael (ick), and lets Crowley run, then turns to Dean and Bobby, who had come to try to stop the whole shebang. Dean tries to placate him, but Cas isn't listening -- and he's not about to give up all the souls. Then reintegrated Sam shows up and stabs Cas with the angel-killing blade, but Cas lives. Why? Let's let Cas explain:
Because I'm not an angel anymore. I'm your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto Me, your Lord, or I shall destroy you.
Yipe!
Our thoughts
Right. So. Remember how we debated whether or not Supernatural should return after season 5, and one of the reasons for our unease was that it's hard to see where they'd go after the apocalypse? This season finale seems to have borne out those fears. They raised the stakes by having the guys go up against God (sort of), and we're not buying it.
Our main problem with elevating Cas to God (ignoring theological ramifications and fear of blasphemy, etc.) -- who or what brought Cas back when he was exploded at the end of last season, if not God? And if that God is still around, being all omnipotent and such, won't he smite the crap out of this jumped-up new God? At this point, God will HAVE to pay attention, right? And once you get God battling New God, what's the point of the rest of us even sticking around?
Then there's Lovecraft. As you probably figured out, we're fans. So it seems like a terrible waste that he, and his mythos, were used so scantily in the episode. There is so much that the show could do with Lovecraftian horror, and they just make it a convenient plot point to purgatory? We feel cheated.
Onto the boys. It felt like the show wanted to give each of the boys a showcase episode, one for the Emmy reel. Maybe if they weren't back-to-back, it wouldn't have felt so obvious? But scheduling being what it was, it just felt like a lot of pandering to the various fan bases. (Not that we always object to pandering -- sometimes the show does it really well, and hey, who doesn't enjoy Shirtless(!) Winchesters every once in a while?)
Both Jensen and Jared knocked it out of the park in their star turns. Jensen completely sold his desolation when he said goodbye to Lisa and Ben, and they didn't know who he was. But were we alone in thinking it felt a little rushed? And really, show? You're playing the "Let us never speak of this again" card? That's some grade-a retconning right there, and don't think we don't know it..
Jared was similarly wonderful when he battled himself. We love Wooby Sam, and we love Snarky Soulless Sam, so it was great to see them go head-to-head (in his head). And we guess this should put to rest any question on whether Sam was better off without his soul, as Wooby Sam defeated Soulless Sam. Poor Hellspawn Sam seemed to genuinely want to protect himself from... himself, but he knew he had to go. We're unsure on how Sam is still vertical, much less able to get stabby, however. Does he just have superior mental control, or has a lifetime of Winchestarian denial finally turned out to be a good thing? Again, we better get some explanation next season.
Fun with quotes Sam: So we gotta get it back, right? Bobby: Or just read the copy I'd already made. Hi, glad to meet you, Bobby Singer, paranoid bastard.
Balthazar: I'm sorry, boys, do I look like a manservant to you? No? Then quit ringing for me, please! Dean: This is important, Balthazar. Balthazar: I was drinking a '75 Dom out of a soprano's navel when you called -- that was important.
Lovecraft geek: This guy is literature. He should be taught in schools - he's up there with Dickens and Dean R. Koontz.
Bobby: I know what you are, Elle. You're not exactly from Milwaukee, are you? Eleanor: Not exactly... Bobby: And not that I'd have minded, but, you kind of fibbed about your age too. Eleanor: Just slightly -- 900 years.
Robin: You're staying in this dump? Sam: Maybe Robin: Maybe you're a hooker. Sam: I guess I'll find out.
Robin: It's very "Beautiful Mind" meets "Se7en."
Robin: Nice to meet you, Jimmy Page. And Neil Pert. And Angus Young.
Castiel: You can't imagine what it's like. They're all inside me. Millions upon millions of souls. Crowley: Sounds sexy. Exit, stage Crowley.
Final Thoughts
We were seriously pissed at Cas when he let Crowley go the first time -- come on, Cas, you HAD to know he'd come back at you. You were willing to kill Balthazar (sob!), and you're not willing to kill Crowley? It didn't make sense to us. (However, we're glad ONE snarky supernatural Brit survived...)
Dean doesn't know Lovecraft, and Bobby tries jog his memory with story titles. Hey, Bobby: tell Dean Lovecraft wrote "Re-Animator" -- we guarantee he's seen that movie.
Apparently, not having a soul makes you a crappy shot.
So, what did you think? Were you satisfied by the season-ender, or do you have some of the same quibbles that we do? Were you hoping for tentacled monstrosities, or were you oblivious to Lovecraft? And are you thinking the show is getting a leeeetle too close to blasphemy territory by making Cas God? What's your take? Talk about it in the comments!
America's Next Top Model: Sahel, Khafif, Zoulnah--Covergirl
"Ohmigosh, I can't believe you lost AND they gave you that haircut!"
It’s down to the final two models in Cycle 16 of America's Next Top Model and the grueling competition hits high gear with the Covergirl commercial and photo shoot, the Vogue shoot and the runway show. And just to add a little intrigue, we have a surprise makeover right before the final decision is announced. Please tell us they don’t bleach their eyebrows!
Beauty’s where you find it
The two biggest potty mouths are left standing and their ride home from panel sounds a little like: “My mom’s gonna !^#$ to @&%#. I can’t believe I’m $%@! and &^%!" And it’s all very enlightening. They arrive home and receive a Tyra Mail: Sahel, Khafif, Zoulnah. We think it either means “Easy, Breezy, Beautiful” or Tyra’s throwing out ideas for the name of Brangelina’s next spawn.
The next day, Molly and Brit arrive at a lavish country club and are met by Ivan Bart of IMG, who wants to get to know them. Ivan loves how Molly photographs but isn’t overly impressed with her in person. He is captivated with how beautiful Brittani is and was also wooed by her great attitude.
The photographer for the shoot is Pierpaolo Ferrari and Mr. Jay directs as usual—however, this time they’ll be shooting it in true Covergirl style, on a white site. They’ll be shooting simultaneously with three different cameras, so they’ll have to perform in every direction. Luckily, they’ll have a teleprompter at the center camera so they’ll have their own little moving cheat sheet. Covergirl Lip Perfection Lip Color will be featured, and we’re wondering who comes up with the names for these cosmetics…
Molly is concerned that she’ll have to act like someone else—you know, a happy, nice person. And Jay feels that made her lose all her charm. Brittani knows she’s got to nail it and gets so nervous that her inner-freak comes out and nearly has a panic attack, but instead ends up delivering a quirky and fun performance.
For the photo shoot, the photographer (who they call Paolo and we just find that cute) really digs both models.
Come on, Vogue
For the Italian Vogue shoot, Paolo is there again to snap photos. He’s joined by the stylist for Vogue Italia, Valentina Serra. Both girls will shoot the cover, but only one will see it on the stands. Brittani embraces her inner model and they love it. Molly is cranky as usual and it shows. Valentina continually tells her to keep up her energy as she yawns her way through the shoot. It’s cold and she’s hungry but it’s time to bite the bullet, girl -- you’re in the final two. We’re convinced that if Molly had her own personal Jiminy Cricket on her shoulder she’d do much better.
And just as things seem at their worst, SURPRISE! Molly’s parents (Who adopted her when she was four days old and now she has abandonment issues...come on, haven’t you been paying attention all Cycle?) are waiting back at the house when the girls return. She’s instantly revived. And they’re clearly sweet, loving parents. An obvious case for the Nature side of the Nature vs Nurture argument. However, because of Brit’s mom’s anxiety disorder and her recent back surgery, no one is there to cheer her. She’s deeply disappointed but tries to keep a stiff upper lip. She does get to talk to her mom from the trailer park by video chat. Um…so not the same.
Ladies with an attitude
The runway show is held at the Granada Palace and is a “salon-style” show that goes from one room, to another, to another. And the models must really sell the clothing. They’ll be wearing Vivienne Westwood’s Anglomania line—youth-oriented, hip and totally chic. As per usual, some familiar faces join in, including Kasia, Alexandria (we thought we finally got rid of her!) and Hannah. And best of all, Ann from last Cycle is on hand to offer encouragement and walk in the show.
The audience settles in and Miss Jay is sporting some sort of loud orange get-up that is clearly a reject from Sarah Jessica Parker’s "Sex and the City 2" wardrobe. They clink glasses and once again, we find ourselves fantasizing that we’re sitting next to Nigel, or perhaps on his lap…but we digress. Ann opens the show and we’re a little surprised that her walk hasn’t improved much in this past year. Also, the make-up is ghastly. It looks like the girls were shot in the face with a paintball gun. It’s neither easy, or breezy and it sure ain’t beautiful. Other than that, the show goes off without a hitch for three rounds…until, at the very last round, as she is headed off stage (at least there was that!) Brit slips on a rose petal and takes a header into the wall, twisting her ankle and cutting her arm. It’s drama to be sure, but she recovers like a pro and walks out to the finale with confidence.
Backstage Mister Jay and Ivan declare that the competition is as tight as it’s ever been (Really? We think that one girl is clearly stronger than the other—but anything to pump up the suspense). So they tell Molly and Brit that they’re getting totally made over for panel.
You’re a superstar, yes that’s what you are
Both models arrive at panel sporting adorable short, short hair cuts and looking, dare we say, not so stoked about their new look. Or maybe it’s just nerves because they look so good and even André comments that he wishes that Molly would have gone short like that earlier.
Mister Jay is the panel guest and first they evaluate the runway show. They don’t like how Brit broke character and laughed and most are not crazy about Molly’s “bounce” in her walk. Tyra thinks the walk’s okay but her transitions are a bit “Hey, girl” and need to be more high fashion.
Next up, the dreaded commercial. They like how Brittani can work her angles and Jay comments about how bubbly she was on set and a pleasure to work with. They think that Molly comes off looking like a mean girl and just not “Covergirl” with the fresh and welcoming attitude. However, Jay lets them know that Molly was able to memorize the entire script—something he looks for in a hire. And in the print the ad for Covegirl—they both do equally well.
When it comes to deliberation, the judges evaluate the girls’ performance for the entire Cycle and it’s finally decided that…Brittani is America’s Next Top Model! Molly handles the loss well and declares that she is off to take a nap and eat a pulled pork sandwich…not necessarily in that order. Well, now we’re kind of sad to see her go. And now it’s official, the girl from the trailer park has made it to the big time. We have a feeling that we’ll be seeing much more of that girl as we begin the long wait for the premiere of Cycle 17.
One Tree Hill: Happily ever after...until next season
The end-of-season calm before next season's storm
One Tree Hill ends the season on a high note, with everyone happy and content. In fact, they're so happy and content that we're kind of sorry the show got picked up for another 13 episodes. We can only imagine the show will put everyone through the wringer again, and honestly? We're not sure we can take it.
Nathan, Haley and Jamie
The cafe is open, Lydia is flourishing, Haley sings, Nathan does an adorable little "Ma Na Ma Na" lip-sync with the baby... They're happy. They're in love. Life is good. And we're thrilled for them -- they deserve it -- but "happy" and "life is good" can't sustain a series, you know? So something will have to go horribly wrong for these two next season, or what's the point of them being there?
Jamie does have a bit of a challenge when he succumbs to peer pressure and takes off the "girly" shoelace that he shares with Madison. She's hurt, she breaks up with him (you know, as much as 8-year-olds can date), he sulks, he eventually apologizes and tells her he likes her, and then they're back together again. Again, that's not going to cut it for 13 episodes next year, so we shudder to think what's in store for the kid.
Read on for more season-finale thoughts.
Brooke and Julian
Life is good for Brulian, too -- Julian's movie gets rave reviews, and Brooke's pregnancy (they're having twins!) is going well. You know that can't last...
Nope. At the cafe, Brooke decides to climb up on a none-too-secure step-stool to get a heavy bag of potatoes or something down from a high shelf, and she falls. One: Basic space planning dictates that heavy stuff goes down low. Two: Don't let the pregnant lady climb on the rickety stool! Three: So help us God, show, if this turns tragic for Brooke again we will fly down to North Carolina and hurt you, do you understand? STOP. MESSING. WITH. BROOKE. We know Sophia Bush cries pretty, but seriously, give the girl a break!
Brooke gets rushed to the hospital, and the twins are born prematurely. Fortunately, after a time jump, they seem to be thriving. THEY BETTER BE FINE, SHOW. GOT IT? (Also, the twins are named Davis and Jude. What, no Lucas?)
Mouth and Millie
"Mouth and Millie in the Morning" is a hit -- although it helps that they just happen to be good friends with musicians and movie stars and famous designers and such. In fact, the show does so well that the network wants to move Millie to Charlotte so she can prop up some fading morning show host there. Mouth urges her to go, saying she'll regret the missed opportunity, but she decides that being with Mouth is better than being in a bigger market.
Chase and Alex and Mia
Before Chase leaves for the Air Force, Alex promises to write him every week, and they pledge to meet up at the airfield one year from that day. At first, the letters come regularly, but eventually, they peter out, and Chase starts seeing Alex on the cover of supermarket tabloid canoodling with random guys. Le sigh. Mia just happens to play a USO concert at his base, and she sort of sympathizes. We think. We're not really sure what the deal with that scene was.
When the day comes, Chase thinks Alex is standing him up, but she appears. They re-pledge their love. As we're reasonably sure that one can't enlist for the Air Force one year at a time, we're not entirely sure how things are going to get any better for them. Tragically, no one pays attention when we yell things like that at the TV.
Clay and Quinn
Clay and Nathan go scouting for agency prospects, which means they're away from their loved ones for a while. Quinn uses that interval to get a new barcalounger for Clay. Clay realizes that when a woman is willing to invest in ugly furniture for her man, it must be love. They get schmoopy with each other. Assuming no more psychotic stalkers come between them, we're guessing they'll end up married at some point in season 9.
Also, Nate and Clay find a prospect who practices even longer and harder than Nathan did when he was that age. That speaks to the guy's dedication, but seriously, practicing basketball until 3 a.m.? Kid, you need to get some sleep!
The return of Dan
After struggling with his feelings, Nate decides to visit Dan and introduce him to the family... sort of. He brings a picture of Lydia and Jamie's first game-winning ball. Dan is touched, and depressed, and tragically under-used. Come on, couldn't he have been killing a foreign dignitary or running a prostitution ring or directing a movie that no one will see when Nate stopped by? He's got so much more to give than just that one scene!
The end
We end the episode with the image of Jamie going to the River Court, wearing a Scott's Auto Service hoodie as he dribbles his basketball across the bridge. It's a fantastic closing image -- but, of course, it's not the close. And we're not sure how we feel about that. What about you?
It's almost time for nationals and we're left feeling a little confused about the promos FOX has been airing for Glee lately. It seems all the spoiler scenes were for...next week? Was this week not important in the eyes of the marketing team? Because some pretty damn important things went down.
Anything you can do I can do better
Nationals are approaching, and new glee consultant Jesse wants to put the Vocal Adrenaline stamp on New Directions. This means picking one star and letting everyone else sway in the background a la "Bohemian Rhapsody." And since we have more than one diva on the team, auditions are in order and egos are out and swinging. Plus, we get to see Schue play Paula Abdul to Jesse's Simon Cowell.
We would just be appreciative of the continuance of refreshingly organic ways to introduce musical numbers, but even that relief gets drowned out by the tryout performances. Granted, none of the song choices were surprising, but then, smart performers play to their strengths. As we've said before, we love Amy Winehouse on Santana, Kurt's flair for classic numbers with snarky overtones justifies his "Gypsy" obsession, and, Oh Mylanta, do we love that Otis Redding tune. Mercedes' incredible performance will never trump this scene, but it comes pretty damn close.
And Rachel...well, all we can say is, Kurt said it best. That girl can sing. But in the end, Schue predictably sticks with his gut and chooses an ensemble performance with original music.
Read on for an unexpected death and equally unexpected Willy Wonka props.
Honey badgers always come through
Meanwhile, the Legion/League of Doom is still furiously plotting the glee club's demise. Their actual demise, as Sue gets their flights re-routed through Libya in the hopes that they get "kidnapped and killed." That's a direct quote.
But Sue's resolve fails when we discover that her sister Jean passed away. Sue kicks Becky off the Cheerios because she reminds her of her sister, prompting a foot-in-mouth backlash from Schue. Kurt and Finn offer to help the crippled Sue with the funeral and packing Jean's room at the care center, as well as offer their best advice and sympathies. Sue accepts the manual labor, but shuns the emotional support, wishing only to retreat inside her hard, abrasive shell.
The power of Roald Dahl and Hollywood
Fortunately, sometimes all it takes to help the bereaved is to honor their lost one's life. Kurt and Finn do this to perfection with a "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"-themed service, Jean's favorite film. They even enlist the rest of the gleeks for a beautiful rendition of the already stirring "Pure Imagination," while Schue helps Sue with her eulogy.
We've wanted human Sue back for a while now, but it's too bad we lost Jean in the process. The sisters' frank but caring relationship was an enjoyable aspect of the show, and we'll definitely miss seeing actress Robin Trocki sparring with the ever-sharp Jane Lynch. In any case, Schue and the kids' unerring support lead Sue to abandon her evil plans and re-enlist Terri to get the club back on the right flight to New York. She also gives Becky her spot back on the Cheerios, captain position for the next year, and a really, really cute hug.
Terri is moving to Florida, which is as it should be. Her role this season was too minimal for such a great actress and often felt forced. Unless there's any real way to bring her back into the plot, it's best that she's working on her tan down in Miami.
Don't rock the boat
Two of our leading men are on track to upset the balance of New Directions -- Schue is secretly heading to Broadway after nationals and Finn, with a new-found perspective on love from Sue's eulogy, decides to break up with Quinn and go after Rachel.
Schue is in denial about any possible success -- and therefore possible cross-country move -- he might face in New York, but Emma is gently pushing him toward his dream. Her budding self-possession in invaluable here, as Schue is at a loss with packing up his apartment. We loved the vest joke-turned sentimental gesture between these two, while simultaneously lamenting the Ross and Rachel will-they-won't-they dynamic at play, which has had it's run on pretty much every TV show ever. Except Community.
Following Jean's service, Finn very abruptly breaks up with a blindsided Quinn for being emotionally distant, and because he's probably still in love with Rachel. Though Rachel is obviously still head-over-heels for Finn, Jesse is drawing her into his tractor beam of tousled hair and baby-blue eyes. And don't worry about Quinn. She's already bounced back by the end of the episode, blond hair a-flouncing and evil plots a-making. Even Sue should be terrified of that hidden icy fury.
What did you think, fellow gleeks? What does Quinn have planned? Should someone have been picked to be the lead at nationals? Will Schue hit it big on Broadway? Or will his shiny, shiny hair blind the audience? To the comments!
Notes n' Quotes
Jesse: I don't think I need to do much tricking to get you to do something stupid, Finn.
Jesse: You kind of sing and dance like a zombie who has to poop.
Sue: Honey Badger, I am lactating with RAGE!
Howard: Do I get a supervillian nickname?
Sue: Your nickname is Panda Express.
Howard: But I'm not Chinese
Sue: Neither is the food at Panda Express.
Emma: Wow, that's a lot of vests.
Sue: I had to throw some of them out, I'm allergic to pansies. And I don't mean that as a swipe at either of you.
Jesse: Do you know what happens at Vocal Adrenaline when someone dies during a number? They use them as a prop, like at "Weekend at Bernie's."
Kurt: Correction: You had feelings for him, he made breakfast on your head.
Brittany: Jesse, maybe you can come on "Fondue for Two" and judge my cat.
Jesse: Rock and roll.
Sue: I do this thing where I sort of alternate which one of them I hate most. Right now it's that dancing Asian.
Rachel: Jesse?
Jesse: That's sweet. You remember the masculine click of my designer boots.
Final thoughts
Does Schue really have to pack up all his stuff? We get that he doesn't want his precious vests eaten by moths, but in his head he's not going to be gone that long.
Jesse's cat drawing is hilarious. But really, we thought he would have been doodling his own name on a marquee.
Oh, Mercedes, you do sing with emotion...but Rachel eats, sleeps, breathes and bleeds it.
Hellcats: Get FEMA on the line--we're having a nationals disaster
"Not even these delicious, delicious cookies can make me feel better. That doesn't mean you can have any."
A horrible outbreak of strep throat is just the beginning of the Hellcats’ woes as they head to Atlanta for Nationals. Before the competition is through, Savannah will bail on the squad to be by her sister’s side as she delivers her premature spawn, a random squad member will break her arm and Lewis will be locked in a hotel bathroom by Nasty Kathy.
We’re sick, y’all
It’s days before Nationals and half of the squad has contracted strep throat. We got that in college and it was a week of hell, so we know what these cheerleaders are going through. But it’s the non-sickies who are complaining. It’s the ones who are left to carry on who moan about the strict quarantine that is instituted as they need a minimum of 18 cheerleaders to compete. But now they can’t be too safe. So what says safe like a night-before-the-competition party?
What was she thinking?
Emily crashes the Hellcats' private pre-Nationals party and Vanessa’s buzz. Then, right in front of Lewis, Red’s cranky ex tells Vanessa that she needs a sworn statement from “her boyfriend” about the Steve Switzer pay-for-play situation and Red is ducking her calls. But why? That Emily is such a kick. Then she’s inappropriate and brings up the whole sleeping with a married man thing. Some people and their grudges.
Meanwhile, rather than make her new sister comfortable at the party, Marti interrupts her in the middle of playing a song and tells her that she’s disappointed that she’s not mingling. Seems like a weird move to us, but at least we get to see Travis again. There’s another public scene and then Marti invites her to come to Nationals with them. Of course, Deidre agrees…reluctantly.
The devil goes down to Georgia
Welcome to Atlanta, bitch. The Hellcats arrive at Nationals just in time to see Nasty Kathy and company rehearsing. And they’re spot on. But rather than be focused on the competition at hand, as soon as she sees Lewis she immediately asks for a second try. When he tells her that he and Alice are back together she’s surprisingly cool. She must realize that the Hellcats' strep epidemic has left them a writhing shell of a squad.
Then things go from bad to really freaking bad when Charlotte calls from her Atlanta hotel room, shrieking in pain because her water broke and clearly whoever wrote her scene has never had or even read about birthing a child. In any event, she tells Dan to get Savannah to the hospital ASAP. Uh…little busy now. But, ever the glass-half-full gal, Savannah swears that she’ll be there for her sister AND help the Hellcats win.
Then things go from really freaking bad to ludicrously bad when Nasty Kathy pretends that she is broken up over Lewis and lures him into her hotel room where she reveals that she’s actually just pissed. She won’t be used. So she locks him in the bathroom with the eeevil intention of making him miss the completion. When Alice realizes that Savannah will be standing by her sister’s side, rather than showing up for the competition and Lewis has gone MIA she freaks. They stall as long as they can and are about to forfeit when Lewis busts out of the bathroom and makes it back to perform.
The Seriously? Award goes to…
In one of the strangest twists of the episode, the Powers that Be at Nationals get an anonymous tip that someone in the Hellcats squad has strep so, despite the fact that they are running late, they insist on testing everyone in the squad before they go on stage. Naturally, Alice is doing the inner-freak and we can’t do much more than shake our heads.
Three of the Hellcats test positive for strep and Nasty and Company take the trophy. Can’t we bring that pseudo-Christian up on kidnapping charges or something?
Meanwhile, back at Lancer, we discover that Emily was the tipster. She was “looking out for the kids.” And for some reason she admits it to Phil who tells her that the trustees won’t dig it but overlooks the whole thing because he wants to date her.
One more montage to end the season
So we finally learn that it’s the fear of rejection that keeps Marti’s new sister at arm’s length. But after another outburst and another semi-public scene they get it together when Deidre tells Marti that she is afraid that she will get tired of her and go back to her old life. But Marti assures her that she can always count on her now—they’re sisters.
Then, Alice tells the squad that they came to Nationals to perform on that stage so she tells them that they should perform. Art for art’s sake and all that jazz. So they hit the stage and luckily, the lights guys are still in the house. It’s amazingly energizing. There’s nothing like celebration montage to get us all emotional. And in the spirit of looking forward with progress, Savannah steps down as captain and asks Alice to take over for her.
But the celebration is short-lived. With the backing of Emily, Peter fires Vanessa. And when Marti picks up Deidre’s phone and gets a shocked and very much alive Rex Perkins on the opposite end of the line she tells her sister to go back to her old life because that’s what she’s doing.
The season ends the same way it began, with Marti racing through Memphis on her bike.
Saying good-bye to the Hellcats
There were so many great cliffhangers for the season finale and we’re beyond disappointed that it’s now officially the series finale. There were so many storylines that we’ll never see resolved. Marti and her lying sister and her not-dead dad, Emily getting Vanessa fired and we’d really like to see Nasty Kathy get what she deserves for locking Lewis in the can. So many great cliffhangers, so little time. Which story are you most bummed not to see resolved? Tell us in the comments.
One Tree Hill wound up a lot of plotlines this week, and Darcel and I are nonplussed. All that buildup for a fistfight in a creek? That's IT? And then there's Quinn -- who in the writers' room has she pissed off that she gets stuck with these plotlines? Maybe she should send them a cookie bouquet or something to get on their collective good side. Plus, Darcel and I discuss Brooke's miracle pregnancy, awkward conversations, the Air Force's seriously lax drug tests, Jamie's sporting life, ways to bring back Dan, and the natural habitat of the stripey and/or snipey plover. (I really hope it's snipey. That just sounds like the sort of bird I could respect.)
"Look! We're having a lightheartedly quirky and vaguely explicable time!"
Great love and the right love battled it out on the bittersweet finale of Gossip Girl. Blair escaped a murder attempt with little fanfare and crashed a bar mitzvah with Chuck while Louis awaited her arrival. Dan, Serena, Vanessa and Nate scoured the halls of the school in an effort to locate the loopy Charlie as Lily and Rufus played reconnaissance under house arrest. Georgina returned eager to escape her new role as trophy wife and take a break from baby Milo. Vanessa discovered Dan’s years-in-the-making manuscript while Raina broke Nate’s heart by returning to Chicago. Here are some other thoughts:
Best guest appearance: Airborne Toxic Event seamlessly fit into the storyline while previewing its latest material.
Best ring: Say what you will about Blair’s rock, but the award goes to Georgina’s cushion-cut bling. Her new hubby shows well too. On the surface Georgina’s got it all, but such a gifted schemer will never be satisfied by the straight life.
Best liar: Raina talks Thorpe down from igniting the place with words of forgiveness and redemption. As soon as he dropped the lighter, Raina put on her mean face and informed Thorpe that he’ll be spending the next two decades in prison.
Biggest letdown: For a hostage situation, the drama surrounding Blair’s impending demise was tepid at best. Thorpe succumbed without even putting up a fight. Even the door Chuck broke down to reach Blair surrendered to his shoulder with ease.
Worst decision: After her rescue, Blair agrees to one drink with Chuck. Talk about famous last words. One drink turned into a full-blown party. We’re not sure Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” fits the average bar mitzvah, but Blair and Chuck’s steamy chemistry fit the smoldering tune.
Continue reading to find out the episode's biggest shocker.
Most steadfast: As everyone headed for the exits, Louis remained behind to wait for Blair to meet him in a showy display of devotion. The act isn’t lost on Chuck, who remembers he only waited for Blair on top of the Empire State Building for a fraction of the time.
Most heartbreaking: Blair realizes that happiness is secondary to the burning passion of once-in-a-lifetime love just as Chuck realizes that crazy love can’t sustain a couple for the long haul. Chuck pushes Blair into Louis’ arms, forcing her to let go of him for real. Both know it’s the right path, but it hurt to watch these soul mates separate.
Most ballsy: While on a mission to find Charlie, Vanessa stops and reads an entire novel. She finds Dan’s manuscript amongst his private papers and then calls him to berate him for not publishing the material. She tells him he can’t be an insider and make art. Once again, Vanessa butts her nose into someone else’s business and becomes critical of actions she’s guilty of herself. Of course Dan wants to be a part of Serena’s world and has succeeded while Vanessa is still on the fringes despite her ill-fated efforts to join in on the fun. To make matters worse, she takes the book to a publisher under the guise of Dan’s literary manager before she runs off to Spain. Is she taking this action because she truly believes in Dan’s work or is she trying to destroy him? Regardless, when the book hits the shelves, Dan can say goodbye to his friends.
Biggest déjà vu: Serena calls Dan and Nate to meet her…again. Instead of choosing one ex-boyfriend over the other, she chooses a summer alone to find herself.
Biggest shocker: Carol hired a girl to play Charlie in order to gain access to her daughter’s trust fund. Carol likes to think she’s different from Lily, but she’s definitely inherited the scheming gene. Fake Charlie (her real name is Ivy) pulls a fast one on Carol and stashes a stack of the trust fund checks in her bag. Armed with Georgina’s phone number, she hops back on the bus to New York to wreak havoc next season.
Biggest shocker, take two: Blair’s prepared to spend the summer in Monaco, laying on the beach in a bikini with a cocktail in one hand and Louis in the other. A positive pregnancy test left behind in her New York trash can might derail Blair’s plans. Somebody call Maury Povich because Blair needs to request a paternity test after that impromptu tryst with Chuck.
Dan and Chuck Eric (thanks for the catch, Casey) head off to the Hamptons for the summer while Chuck and Nate blindly choose a destination. Rufus and Lily settle for a summer at home as Serena jets off alone to Malibu where she secures a job with a movie mogul within minutes of arriving. Blair promises to exchange emails with Dan from across the pond and looks forward to a November wedding. What did you think?
"Kurt Hummel said it before and I'll say it again: Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton."
As Laurel mentioned in this episode of 90210, and Marty McFly uttered repeatedly throughout "Back to the Future," this is heavy. Naomi and Max faced expulsion, Ade considered jumping off a cliff, and there was a literally very heavy elephant involved. Which basically just adds up to your average Beverly Hills weekend.
And the best "Weather The Storm" award goes to...
We have to say, every week we love Naomi more. There is literally nothing she can't get over, deal with or make a sarcastic quip about. So naturally she takes the fall for Max re-writing her paper, and even shows up at graduation to support her friends after she gets expelled. Also, naturally, she throws Ivy an entire wedding and bachelorette party, screaming with glee as she goes.
Even when Max admits his guilt at graduation, gets banned from seeing Naomi and will effectually be shipped off to Massachusetts, Naomi still finds the energy to dance like a madwoman at the wedding, all while looking spectacular. Oh, and did we mention this was after the entire female guest list trampled her like so many crazed wildebeests in a frenzy to grab the bouquet? Because that happened too. Naomi even has the moxie to confront Max immediately when she finds out she's pregnant -- as long as this doesn't turn out to be a ruse to keep Max around. We don't think that really gels with Naomi's character, but hey, it's 90210.
Read on for the elephant! What? Admit it, elephants are awesome.
The "A" in Annie stands for "Type A"
We learned one new thing this week: Don't screw with Annie's plans. Like a history nerd on vacation in Europe, she's got every last minute of her life mapped out, and god help you if you want to riff on that schedule.
So when Liam tells Annie that he doesn't want to go to college and is instead shipping out to work on a fishing boat and mull life over, Annie responds by promptly breaking up with him and his perfect abs. What we're interested in is how Liam would afford college anyway, unless he broke the 90210 code and actually applied for a student loan. But that would be ludicrously sensible, so that's out.
In any case, some of Laurel's awesome stoner logic shocks Annie back to reality, and she tells Liam that she supports whatever he wants to do. She also does this while wearing the same dress Charlie wore on Gossip Girl when she tried to throw Rufus that executive party. Whoops.
Sari, Ivy
Ivy and Raj are still dedicated to getting hitched, so now comes the hard part: Telling their parents. The Kahns are all for whatever makes their son happy, but Laurel has serious reservations about her daughter marrying someone who might not be around for much longer. Fortunately, Dixon comes to the rescue at the 11th hour with a perfectly adorable speech about loving each other as best we can and convinces Laurel to come to the wedding and give her daughter away.
The affair is nothing short of splendid, and Ivy looks stunning in full Indian garb. Raj just looks happy to be on that elephant, and who can blame him? It's an elephant. At a beach-side wedding in California. It doesn't get any cooler than that.
The reception concludes when everyone has a "times, they are a-changin'" moment when they all toast each others' life choices, then dance like the pack of crazy drunk teenagers they are. Especially Silver, who could probably rival Harper's boss moves at this point.
Beware the malevolent manifestations of your dead singing partner
Ade is living the backstabber's dream, having broken up Navid and Silver and still getting mani-pedis with her unwitting victim. Except that her guilty conscience is manifesting as Javier, who tries to tell her that she'll never get away with her treachery.
Her plans finally (FINALLY!) go to hell at Ivy and Raj's bachelor/bachelorette mixer. Fresh out of plebeian singles to stuff down the stripper's shorts, Naomi goes rooting through Ade's bag and out pop Silver's stolen pills. (Okay, we really think this is not the same purse Ade used before, and even if it was, throw the damn things out or sell them for profit. Do we have to come up with all the reasonable ideas here?)
The truth comes out about Navid not kissing Ade as well, and Naomi punts her out the front door like a football. Unfortunately, Ade doesn't live in this plane of reality, and shows up to Ivy's wedding thinking that she can convince Silver to forgive her. When all she gets for her trouble is an unfeeling "Go to hell," Adrianna finds herself at the top of a cliff with Javier urging her to take the jump. In the end, Ade opts out of suicide to work on being a better person. Which is probably another way of saying "make more trouble."
What did you think, readers? Was it an adequate ending to a pretty solid season? How will we keep track of our West Bevvers with their college choices spanning the country? Will Naomi have her baby? Do Ivy and Raj get to keep that elephant? Comment away!
Notes n' Quotes
Naomi: You love my brain?
Naomi: You've really never been to the principal's office before?
Max: Not against my will.
Silver: What do you think of this nail art the lady did on my big toe? Turned out kind of funky didn't it?
Ade: I think its cute! What is it?
Ivy: Getting married is not the important part, being married is the important part.
Naomi: I don't know who told you that, but that is just not true!
Naomi: I'm sorry, but you asked for a bachelorette party.
Ivy: No, actually I didn't.
Terry: Maybe I should come in and frisk some people.
Dixon: What?
Liam: Oh no....
Ivy: NO drinking games.
Naomi: Fine. The game is I'll drink and you guys can time me and see how long it takes for me to pass out.
Terry: I'm sorry, some neighbors called and complained about a disturbance.
Naomi: Please tell me you're a stripper.
Annie: Love sucks.
Naomi: I'm getting that tattooed on my face.
Annie: That'll keep the boys away.
Naomi: I doubt it.
Laurel: I'm sorry to get so heavy, I got stoned with the elephant trainer guy.
Final thoughts
Who didn't see that stripper mix-up as soon as you found out his name was the sexually-ambigous "Terry"?
Annie could be a little less excited about being loaded, considering the way in which it happened...
We really love Dixon after that speech to Laurel. Sure, it was a little after-school-special, but he just seemed so damn sincere.
Silver needs to stop pinning her hair to her head like that for formal occasions. She looks like a hipster duckling.
Naomi screaming under the scrum of bridesmaids is probably her single most hilarious scene to date. But feel free to prove us wrong in the comments.
It's Friday, Friday prom time on Glee, and the show gives us a memorable night both musically and dramatically. Who knew "Friday" could be so fun? Or that Lindsey and Janine could almost come to blows over an Adele cover? (Seriously, I was thinking I'd need to call in reinforcements to separate them...)
The Gleeks step in for Air Supply and provide some gorgeously sung, if occasionally thematically inappropriate, numbers for their peers to dance to. We loved Brittany's non-date plan, although we sympathize with Tina when she was attempting to pull her off Mike Chang. We also appreciate the non-cheesy version of "Isn't She Lovely", and we LOVED Kurt's outfit. We're less thrilled about what happened to him, and we have a bit of a debate on whether Karofsky knew it was coming. Still, for all the drama -- and the inexpertly spiked punch -- the ep was a hell of a lot more fun than our proms! What about yours?
So many schemes and double-crosses on Gossip Girl! Raina calls Jack into town so she can destroy Chuck, but Chuck and Jack are actually working together so they can expose her father as the murderer. Unfortunately, Nate is in on the secret, which means it's not a secret any more. Thorpe decides to take out his wrath on Blair, which is ominous. Or maybe a psycho businessman with an ominous lighter is the only thing that will keep Blair and her prince apart?
In other news, Charlie's brand of Single White Female craziness becomes evident when she gets exceedingly creepy during a makeout session with Dan. What's not obvious? How she made Serena's dress fit her, because the ladies are differently endowed. Also, we argue over Blair's dress, Lily's obvious absence, Vanessa's continued presence (but not for long!) and Charlie's subterfuge skills. We all agree on two things, however: Cyrus is made of awesome, and Jack was ridiculously funny this episode. We're with him -- if we're going to be watching Hallmark-Channel type drama, we demand room service!
You're going to have to come up with your own snarky caption. We're too busy quietly weeping.
Just gonna get this out front...there were a couple of times we cursed at the screen during the two-hour series finale. Chills, actual chills, came upon us, even though we know the saga. Could it be over the primary-colored suit? Could it be that Chloe and Oliver got their happy ending? Could it be that we glimpsed Jimmy Olsen AND Michael Rosenbaum as the the president of the United States in 2018? But in answer to it all....yes. And these are just a few of the reasons. Are you listening world? THIS is how your END a series while saying thanks to the fans. Bowing out never felt so good.
Read on!
Chloe and Ollie: The finale already ends on a good note when we see that Chloe is telling the story of her close friend via comic book to a little blond tyke as a bedtime story. So, we already know that Oliver and Chloe have made it (sigh, thank you Gods!). We know because it's seven years later, so it's not like Ollie died leaving her a widow. Whew...But to end the Chloe and Oliver chapter for good, we have to see how the Green Arrow banishes the darkness from within himself.
As the couple are the best man and maid of honor at Lois and Clark's nuptials, Chloe and Oliver think back to their Las Vegas wedding, which was a "non-event." Low-key though it was, both have no regrets. But little does Chloe know she spoke to soon. Oliver is coerced into switching Clark's classic wedding band for one of kryptonite that will strip his powers away permanently. Luckily, Chloe stops Lois from putting it on his finger in the nick of time. (Now how she didn't know her future baby's daddy was marked with the Omega, we don't know. Seriously, the guy is fine, but one should notice some things.)
It seems Tess knows. Or at least she does when she finds out Queen took Watchtower offline and prevented anyone else from breaking back in. That sets Tess on a mad dash to let the team know what's coming-- the apocalypse in the shape of a planet, hurtling toward Earth thanks to the gravitational pull all the Omega converts are generating.
Just so happens, Tess doesn't make it to the wedding to ward them off. Instead, the beautiful moment that is Clark and Lois's union is disrupted by a fight between Oliver and Clark. The "Friend of Steel" does what we expect him to -- talk his friend off the ledge by showing him a little faith. Oliver fights the darkness within and wins. The rich orphan does the impossible and reverts to his true, untainted self. And in doing so, he is able to don his superhero threads and kill the three henchmen of Darkseid with one pull of the bow. (Which we're a bit shocked about...because just last week, it seemed the world needed the bow of Orion to win the battle, but we're on such a high, we'll let that one go.)
Tess and the rest of the Luthor clan: The lowest point of this finale is the Luthor reunion showdown. After what seems like eons of dastardly schemes and backstabbing, it felt oddly unsatisfying to have Tess perish at the hands of one of her brethren. Now, we're not saying we expected Tess to be in suburbia raising little ones, but with her innate fighting ability and survivor-like skills, she should have been spared and sent to do good elsewhere.
But NOOOOOOO. Lionel sends lackeys to kidnap her on her way to warn Clark about the impending doom. Then the man who sired her proceeds to tell her he's going to cut out her heart and give it to his favorite child, Lex. Yes, Lex cloned himself to the point of insanity...but in all that experimentation, the best body parts were kept for the original Luthor heir.
But Tess, after all, is special. She was born to darkness and yet she yearns for the light. That's why we're so invested in Tess. She made her mistakes, lent her prowess to the wrong people, but in her struggle she was truly human. And if we can't have the doe-eyed Lana doing that, we sure as heck admired Tess for stepping up to the plate. Her internal struggle in spite of her upbringing made her formidable and no one's lackey, so to be stabbed by Lex after Daddy Dearest sells his soul to Darkseid to let Lex live is just a slap in the face. Tess needed to go out in a blaze of glory (yes, that was a Young Guns reference, so sue us).
Lex utters that he's saving her from turning into him as she lies dying...really? Come on!! Add to that, no one, and I do mean no one, tries to find her and rescue her after Clark finds her abandoned car on the side of the road. After all that Tess did to win over the team's trust and no one even follows up with her disappearance? Okay, so there was a planet in jeopardy and so there was a wedding going on, but still. She's a person you miss in a room. The woman had presence. But we have to let it go. It's over and she at least did one thing before she left. She told Lex he would forget all his memories. Just like Alexander, that was one thing he couldn't fix in the cloning. Farewell, Tess...you gave 'em hell and we appreciated it.
And speaking of giving them hell, Lionel got what he deserved by becoming Darkseid. That man gave new definition to the term "obsession." After all, it was his heart, not Tess', that was given to Lex to live. Talk about the ultimate sacrifice! But we tip our hat to John Glover for the years of service. No one did dastardly dad better than he. Just thinking about his stares, put-downs, speeches to Lex and his enemies over time truly makes you appreciate your father just that much more on Father's Day -- no matter how dysfunctional you think your family is.
And now to Lex...he finally lives. That was the plan all along and Michael Rosenbaum did not disappoint. When he reappears in front of Clark in the burned down mansion all in black, Clark says his name and Les says he always says it with astonishment, dread, and a hopeful finish. Truer words, never spoken...ever. And after all the venting was said and done about Lex being frustrated that Clark ran from his abilities; heroes being defined by their enemies; and embraced destinies, it all came down to this: "We will both be great men, just on different sides." And "sorry I couldn't save you Lex." We won't lie, that choked us up a little...okay, a lot. The song "I'm Only Human" from Human League played in our minds when this scene ended, but we digress. Lex is left standing at LuthorCorp when it all ends. But seven years in the future, he has been elected the leader of the free world wearing a Colonel Sanders suit. Now how and why this doesn't scare those who know what he's capable of is beyond us. But we'll let that go too.
Why?
Because Clark finally flies of his own free will. He friggin' flew when he realized that he can united his past, present and future without compromising anything. Jor-El, Jonathan Kent, the Kent farm -- Clark can have it all, because it's all of that...all the folks in Smallville that made him the hero he is and will become. And you know you're doing something right, when both your fathers are saying they're proud of you. Holy crap! Even Jor-El admits it's Kal-El's soul that he's most proud of.
During a montage of trials that Jor-El put him through, Clark looks on and realizes this moment with the apocalypse is his true destiny. One that he takes gladly with the famous caped suit in hand. When Jonathan Kent hands it to Clark and Jor-El tells his son he's humbled by the feats of his offspring, we cried a little. God bless John Schneider for those Hallmark moments forged between boyhood and manhood and bless Terrence Stamp since a disembodied voice-over is not much to convey emotions in such a legendary story, but somehow he made it work.
All of this, and the cherry on the sundae: Lois and Clark get hitched. Well, sorta. We get their devotion to one another in the heartfelt scenes where Chloe gives Lois Clark's vows to read after news she's calling off the wedding and again when Clark reads Lois' vows on the other side of their apartment door. But by the time Lois is in that god-forsaken wedding dress and veil carrying a fern down the aisle, we are a blubbering mess. Clark taking her hand and they walk toward the preacher? It's priceless. We swear we're going to find out what song was playing at that moment because something tells us, it's going to be playing in many a wedding to come. Mine included...altogether now...awwww!
So the two don't get married, what with the end of human civilization, fighting Ollie, and all that. What with all this going on, of course, Lois needs to sneak on to Air Force One to convince our nation's leaders not to send a nuclear warhead into what they think is a meteor. Ms. Lane does just that, giving a us chance to see what real superheroes of the world can do if given a chance. Because if the powers that be release their nuclear weapon, the radioactive fallout will kill a third of the world's population. Lois does her part and Clark comes to the rescue, and Lois STILL gets her one-on-one with the president of the United States. Man, Lane lives a wonderful life. A normal person would be satisfied with doing one of those things, but Lois saves the planet AND hits her deadline with an exclusive. A rare breed, that Lane woman.
Once the tissues are put away, Clark gets down to business and takes out Darkseid, pushing back the red planet set to destroy Earth. And the funny thing is Clark does it all without us actually seeing him in the full Superman suit per the "no tights" stipulation. Gotta love computers.
So it all comes to an end with Lois and Clark toiling away at the Daily Planet with Jimmy Olsen's little brother working alongside the two reporters. Seven years later, the two haven't tied the knot, but are determined to make it happen with all the juggling of schedules. Aaah, and who can't relate to that?
Somehow, we don't really know what to say to wrap our last "Smallville" recap up. It's been fun, it's been real? Perhaps. Or maybe after watching shows like "90210" and "ER" fade into the television landscape, we should just play Frank Sinatra's "My Way" and thank the writers, creators, and stars of the show for taking us along for the ride. Hats off to you, Tom Welling, Alison Mack, Michael Rosenbaum, and all the rest of the "Smallville" family. It's been a pleasure.
"Stop being a baby. Do you want to look as well-preserved as I do or not?"
What the #$*! Nikita’s dead? It sure appears that way…shot three times by Alex, no pulse, and a cleaner standing over her body ready to dispense with the evidence. Things definitely looked bleak on the season finale of Nikita but hey, we know our girl can overcome impossible odds…even something as major as this.
So, how was she reincarnated? Well, it turns out that Alex had quite a plan. She gave Nikita a paralyzing injection that made her heart rate undetectable (obviously, the gunshots were superficial). The cleaner then thought Miss N was a goner, broke the news to a rejoicing Percy, and proceeded with his cleansing process by using his own injection that flushes out toxins. That did it! Nikita woke up instantly and started swinging. The poor cleaner didn’t know what hit him (it was acid in his face, actually).
While he gathered his wits and called Percy, Nikita was able to piece together the events and realized that Alex had pulled a dirty trick. Not only did she “fake” kill her, she had rigged the black box that CIA Fletcher was trying to decrypt with the stolen nerve gas. Once he broke the code and started to read about Operation Sparrow, he and whoever else was with him would be overcome by the poison. Yikes! With no time to lick her wounds, Nikita darted out of there and high-tailed it to the CIA headquarters.
Playing Percy
Percy knew Nikita’s next move and was hell-bent to stop her, especially since he had just met with the top government official group that works covertly with Division. At the luncheon, he made it clear to the power trio that he wanted to run the CIA and told them about his “nerve gas” plan to get rid of the current boss man. With Nikita alive and on the loose, he knew his dream of becoming top dog was at stake. He quickly activated a sleeper agent who managed to blow away two colleagues while trying to bump off Miss N (she killed him, naturally). Nikita then tried to call Fletcher, but Percy had Berkoff cut all phone lines to the room. Michael also couldn’t help because he was handcuffed at Division. Plus, he thought she was dead already. But as we know, Miss N is not a quitter.
In order to get to Fletcher in time, she decided to create chaos and run down the hall shooting a gun. With the whole place in an uproar, she was able to make it upstairs, shoot open the door, and save Fletcher and the group just as the poison was released.
Unfortunately, there were a few snags. The CIA director gets her cuffed to a table and demands answers. Luckily, though, Fletcher was feeling feisty. He kicked over a chair, grabbed a gun, and ordered her release. Miss N then tried to find her way out.
Michael resurfaces
Now Michael was able to help. After an earlier heartfelt powwow, Berkoff was feeling guilty about his old friend and secretly released him from the handcuffs through a computer. But an unwitting Percy went to his safe for a black box, and when his back was turned, Michael snuck in, knocked him out and grabbed the box. With no other alternative, Michael headed to Berkoff to force him to decrypt it. To his surprise, he learned that Berkoff had set him free and that Nikita was still alive. Berkoff then told him about her latest dilemma In order to help her escape, they made contact and used Berkoff’s techie skills to try to guide her to safety. Unfortunately, the computer connection was interrupted, and Miss N ended up being trapped in a gunfight. No worries, though -- she was able to slip into an air duct, hop a ride on a garbage truck, and head home.
Shocking Alex
Crazy Alex. Boy, that girl sure made a mess! After the Nikita shooting, she was hauled back to Division and Amanda quickly had her cornered. She brought her back to the “electric” chair and began her cross-examination. The real shock, though, came next. After a few pointed questions and no good answers, Amanda sent a massive jolt to Alex rendering her unconscious. She then reached into her medical bag, pulled out a huge adrenaline shot, and plunged it into her heart. Turns out, Amanda had killed her and revived her in order to deactivate the kill chip. Then, she told Alex she was free. She said hit the road and don’t look back, sister, and especially don’t go see Nikita.
Reunited and it doesn’t feel good
Alex, as we know, is not a good listener. She heads straight to the loft to confront Nikita. Nikita is busy trying to blow the place before Division shows up and is caught off guard. She also isn’t sure which side Alex is on. After a brief convo about trust, balance and revenge, the girls realize that they have overstayed their welcome. Division henchmen start streaming into the loft from all directions with guns a’blazing. Luckily, the duo makes it to the roof unscathed, and Nikita propels to safety on another building. Unfortunately, Alex rejects the escape opportunity and ends up being tranquilized and placed in front of a counsel in a secret location.
The final moments
After Nikita and Alex part ways, Miss N meets up with Michael. Michael, with Berkoff’s help, was able to decrypt the black box’s contents and now has the device in his possession. As he and Nikita drive off into the sunset, they ponder their next move and dream about their future. For Alex, though, things aren’t as bright. Her abduction seems to have led her back to another Division-like crowd. The group, which contains some of Percy’s earlier lunch pals, wants her to join their clan for some secret-op missions. To make things worse, Amanda is part of the flock. Will Alex’s thirst for revenge make her an assassin again? Or will she refuse their offer?
You don't understand! If I die, the hotness factor of this show will decrease by at least 15 hotness points!
The season finale of The Vampire Diaries was killer. We resisted the impulse to shriek through most of it, but we confess that a couple slipped out. We did not see Stefan the Ripper or the kiss Elena gave Damon coming. We were blindsided by Jeremy's death at the hands of Liz Forbes. We should have seen the staking of Elijah, but we're not too worried because we know he can be resurrected. And he better be, just so we can hear him say, "I was wrong, and you were right." to the Mystic Falls posse.
Read on for the recap!
So the catalyst for a lot of this episode's shenanigans was Damon's wolf bite. It was making him glisten with glycerin and his subconscious do some serious soul searching. To be fair, our fave bad boy did look terrible and as though he was in agony. So of course noble Stefan was determined to find a cure for him.
Which made him go visit Bonnie, who in turn had to go talk to her spirit kin. Only to find out that they are pissed at her for abusing their power so grievously. Everybody knows you have to make offerings to your spiritual ancestors! She could have brought them some lemonade or something, right? Or at least have come by to say thank you before demanding another favor. That promised to bite her in the tush a little bit later in the ep. They did give up the name Klaus though, inspiring Stefan to go to Alaric's apartment to ask Katherine where to find Klaus.
Which is when Klaus stakes Elijah, then turns to negotiate with Stefan. Stefan wants the cure. Klaus wants a blood-thirsty sidekick. Hey, I know what! Let's trade! Only Klaus stuffs Stefan full of human blood before agreeing to offer some of his own blood as a cure for Damon. Ruh-roh. He refers to some massacre that Stefan performed in the early 20th century, killing a whole village of migrant workers. So apparently Stefan has a past marred with uncontrolled violence that Klaus wants to capture for his own needs. For a full decade. That's a loooong time, friends.
Which might just pave the way for Damon and Elena to explore their feelings for each other. Wouldn't that be interesting.
Meanwhile, Sheriff Forbes was goaded by Lady Lockwood into doing something about the vampires, so of course she heads over to the Salvatore mansion to capture Damon. Which is a genius plan. Whatever could go wrong. Of course Damon escapes and goes to look for Elena. So of course the Sheriff is in hot pursuit. So of course when she finds him, we guess at the Mystic Grille? she aims for his heart and fires. Missing him entirely and killing Jeremy in the process. Lovely.
Caroline tries to save him with her vamp blood to no avail. Good thing his girlfriend's a witch and can take him to be enlivened again. Only this time the spirits are not amused, and bring him back "with consequences". Which is apparently that he sees dead people. And not just any dead people. His ex-girlfriends. We're delighted to see Anna again though. Vicki? Meh.
So back to Stefan. He's consumed hella pints of blood and is on a roll. Klaus gives the bottle of healing blood to Katherine to deliver to Damon and then takes Stefan on a test to see if he will chase an innocent frightened girl and kill her in terror. Turns out yes, Stefan's up to the challenge!
Meanwhile Damon is making a deathbed confession to Elena that he gets it, it wasn't Stefan's fault that he's a vamp, that he himself made that choice on his own. Followed by he's not sorry for any of his mistakes because they were the path to meeting Elena...and that he loves her, and she should have met him in 1864. She tells him that she likes him exactly the way he is. Just as it seems like he might take his last breath, she leans forward and gives him the tenderest, sweetest kiss imaginable. Enter Katherine with the antidote, and voila, He's healed, Katherine's gone, and now things are...awkward.
How will we make it until September!? Will Stefan turn back to the dark side? Will Elena find out and give in to Damon's considerable charms? Or will she blame Damon for Stefan's being forced to embrace his evil side? Will Sheriff Forbes be won over to the vamp side now that she's got an understanding of Caroline? Will we ever find out the difference between "I'm getting a tasty snack from your neck" and "now I'm killing you", which looks the same to us? Will Bonnie and Jeremy's relationship cool down now that he's got his ex-girlfriends following him around? We mean, who wants to make out when you've got an audience of exes?
