The first photo shoot is very revealing
The designer for the contestant’s first official photo shoot is Custo Barcelona. However, this time around, the girls are allowed to pick just one item of clothing. The rest of their person will be nude…as in naked, in the buff. Speaking of one item of clothing—Jay wears a skirt to the shoot. But, hey, he has great legs. At the shoot, Angelea selects shoes, Brenda models a watch, Naduah sells a pair of sunglasses. The girls may be a little bit nervous but each one claims to rock the shoot. However, not everyone does

Someone’s going home already
We get quickly to the first painful panel of Cycle 14 and it’s time to introduce our judges. We missed you so, our darling Nigel Barker! And there’s a new face behind the counter—Vogue’s editor-at-large, André Leon Talley, who is a welcome addition (though, we can’t help but miss our Miss J) and brings his style, experience and a whole new language to the panel.

Read on for more spills, chills and unusual walking challenges.

The cult of personality
The house is a mix of insanity. Naduah has plenty of stories about her life but no one believes any of them, except for the fact that she grew up in a religious sex cult. Ren thinks she is way too intelligent to hang out with the others. She hates all of the screaming (we feel ya sister!) and is especially annoyed by Alasia.

The pendulum swings
Miss J finally shows up and then teaches the girls not just to rock the runway walk but to take off a jacket while they do it. Then he sends each of them into a busy NY street to do the same thing—as they time the lights and their fellow pedestrians. Miss J just keeps talking about timing, timing.

Well, that’s because the next day the models have a runway challenge where they have to walk down a runway as two pendulums swing back and forth across it. Simone is hit by a pendulum on the way out but recovers nicely. Alexandra falls down the stairs just to get knocked off the stage by the pendulum a few minutes later. It’s absolutely painful to watch. The winner of the challenge is Brenda and the dress she gets to keep is incredible! However, in this challenge, the losers stand out more.

Battling the elements
The models are forced to battle wind and water in their faces during their photo shoot. It’s hard to breathe or see. Fight the discomfort, girls. Some do and some simply can’t get beyond it. One ended up looking sick. One appeared strained. One even drooled in her photo. Panel is particularly rough on most of the girls. Some favorites stand out, including Raina who gets best picture, and Krista and Anslee also get big props. It comes down to Naduah and Ren and in the end, Naduah is sent home. Tyra tells Ren to buck it up—if the ink on her arms is any indication, she’s used to pain.

A house divided
Is it us or does the drama in the house during this Cycle seem more intense than it has in past Cycles? It seems so ugly that some of the girls have wondered out loud if it's all worth it. Do you think things are more extreme or is this just something that happens at the beginning and it will all settle down soon? Tell us in the comments.

Jasper proved himself to be more of a creep than ever. His little violent outbursts are getting a bit tiresome as is the unbalanced-don’t-know-what-he-might-do next vibe. We’re equally annoyed with how little remorse Annie is showing. Sure, Jasper is a dubious, blackmailing drug dealer, but SHE KILLED HIS UNCLE AND RAN AWAY. There’s a pretty big canyon of difference there.

In any case, he allows Annie to break up with him, in the end, citing that if they’re meant to be together she’ll come back. One point to note: You’re not allowed to stalk the object of your affection after “letting them go,” Jasper. Kind of defeats the point.

Let’s take a look at what other soapy drama got lathered up last night.

But first, a poll!

Plus, his birth mother is back. The clever folks over at The CW made sure to keep that little surprise for the end of the episode, so not many reveals with that one.

Naomi, Ivy and Liam
GIIIRRRLLL FIIIIIGGGHHHTT!! This was a shamelessly plugged cheap thrill that actually delivered this time, unlike certain collegiate threesomes. There was plenty of screaming and the brawl was pretty believable. Ivy said it herself, Naomi was “pretty scrappy.” But let’s backpedal; what brought on the rumble?

Sensing that her lukewarm relationship with Liam was about to sputter out, Naomi went to Ivy for advice. When she sees how comfortable Ivy and Liam are around each other, she suggests the three of them hang out. Sensing an in to put the kibosh on the romance, Ivy agrees and takes the two on a hike. About halfway up a mountain and covered in mud and river sludge, Naomi figures out that Ivy isn’t the friend she thinks she is, and lets Ivy know in a few choice words. Things escalate, and before you know it the surfer chick and poor little rich girl are going toe to toe and nails to face on the beach.

Luckily for Naomi, this little bitch-fest is just the thing to get Liam interested again. Turns out Naomi standing up for herself is just what he missed about their relationship. We’re sure rolling around the beach in a bikini with another blonde had nothing to do with it.

Adrianna and Gia
The two AA mates are getting closer as they bond over their exes, but it’s made fairly obvious that Gia wants more than friendship. Her ex, Alexis, comes back into the picture and tells Gia she was wrong to break up with her and wants to get back together. So it’s true; sometimes a woman in a relationship can be wrong. Gia turns her down, and the next time we see her she’s snuggled up next to an oblivious Ade watching Love Story. Looks like Gia might be in for more heartbreak.

Silver and Teddy
We love these two. Out of all the pairings and re-pairings they are probably the most adorable. Maybe because they’re the most mature. Or we just really like Silver’s haircut. But we digress.

After Dixon told his mate that he let Silver believe Teddy’s sister was a lust interest, Teddy went straight back to Silver. She wasn’t having it at first, noting that he was with too many girls after she rejected him and couldn’t have been that broken up about her. However, Silver decides to take a chance on Teddy after some sage advice from…Naomi? Alright, whatever. Stranger things have happened.

Quotes and other points to note:
Does everything have to be abbreviated now? We know these kids lead busy lives, but LGD and LSD is just absurd. Unless you’re talking about Lake Shore Drive. Or drugs.

Who fist-bumps after a French-fry fight? Congrats for launching a fried spud sliver at my head?

Why is Silver curling her hair like that? Girl. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Didn’t Naomi on the hike remind you of Meredith in Parent Trap? All that was needed was a lizard on her noggin.

What is up with the Mr. Matthews/Ivy’s mom story line? We get that Ryan is bummed, but did they really need to bring in a student’s mom? At least we got some car sex out of it.

Naomi – boys don’t like shiny things. That’s just you.

Ade: He could get expelled
Silver: Or expunged
Naomi: Oh my god, what’s that, like, death by sponge?
Silver: Yep

Naomi: In exchange, I’ll give you some fabulous fashion tips. First of all, you should burn that t-shirt…

Naomi: I love the outdoors. All the rocks, dirt, a chance to wear khaki!

Naomi: I HATE NATURE, I HATE IT!

Ivy’s mom: I’m guessing you either got dumped or your indie rock band just broke up.

Ivy: It was actually kind of a draw. She’s really scrappy…

Ivy’s mom: Mick Jagger was an idiot, too. Why he chose Jerry Hall, we’ll never know.

It gets even more fun when we discover that the new resident is also the new resident! He’s the new hospital transfer from John’s Hopkins and he’s working with Lauren. AND his name is Drew. So we’ll be calling him Doctor Drew.

Jonah’s looking for a gal with a strong moral compass
We think he’s in the wrong town but apparently the dude gravitates to nice girls. Not anymore! But he does gravitate to women who can help his career. Ella wants to get A-lister Owen Anderson to star in Jonah’s movie. She is happy to do extra work to help her lover/client, as she gets him and "Living in Reverse" onto the cover of The Hollywood Reporter and Variety.

A new, boring storyline for Riley
Since she got canned in the middle of the school year, Riley can’t find a new teaching gig. Somehow she gathers the courage to ask Amanda to ask her beau to get her a job with his company—his software foundation has something to do with education and she thinks she might be able to help him…Oh, sorry, we dozed off just thinking about it. Fast forward through a little more dullness and Ben agrees to fund her idea and hire her. Riley is a young visionary. Later, Ben invites Riley to go to Washington D.C. with him in his private jet, so they can check out one of the schools they are considering in person. Maybe Riley’s new storyline isn’t so dull after all.

A totally not boring storyline for David
Vanessa contacts David from beyond the grave (via letter) to tell him that Michael isn’t Noah’s father after all, David is. Apparently the two spend one evening together and, voila, spawn a child. So David marches down to his dad’s place and right after the man admits to him that he’s destroyed everything that’s ever come into his life—and the only thing he has left is Noah—David tells him that Noah is his son.

Amanda’s broke
Ms. Woodward’s financial adviser stole 15 million smackeroos from her and apparently, since he spent it already, there’s nothing they can do about it. So she’s broke. Her assistant tells her that if she continues to borrow from WKP’s assets that the business will collapse. Upon hearing this she experiences shortness of breath and chest pain and thinks she is having a heart attack. Later she pays a visit to Dr. Michael Mancini who tells her that she’s having panic attacks and writes her prescription for some meds that will help. This could mean trouble!

Lauren doesn’t have to be a hooker anymore
When Lauren goes to make a payment on her tuition balance she discovers that an anonymous donor paid of the $16,000 she owed. Instead of being stoked and going about her day as the rest of the free world would, she confronts Dr. Mancini and tells him she can’t accept it. But he denies having given it to her in the first place.

We’re pleased when Lauren puts in a call to Wendy to tell her that she’s done with the whole “Pretty Woman” thing. But Wendy tells her that she owes her one last job and the good doctor reluctantly agrees. When Lauren shows up for her last trick, Dr. Michael Mancini opens the door. Never mind that HE is hiring a hooker, he chastises her for being a hooker and he tells her that he wants to ruin David’s life. She must break David’s heart and break up with him or he’ll tell everyone he got a “house call” from Dr. Lauren.

A Melrose Place old-school reunion in the works
Fans of the erstwhile MP residents will love this; it’s just been announced that four of the original MP cast members will be reuniting on the show at the end of March. According to E! Online the March 30th eppy, titled “Santa Fe” will feature a one-night-only reunion that includes Daphne Zuniga (Jo Reynolds), Heather Locklear (Amanda Woodward), Thomas Calabro (Dr. Michael Mancini) and Josie Bissett (Jane Andrews).

The dangerous quartet will arrive at their old West Hollywood digs, uninvited to a party being thrown by Jonah. Each will come with their own agenda but it seems that Dr. Mancini will leave, having second thoughts about letting his ex-wife go all those years ago.

The current MP dwellers have plenty to be anxious about when it comes to ex-residents. Who do you think stands to lose the most if “outed” by one of the fearsome foursome? Tell us in the comments!

Biggest waste of mobile minutes: Serena calling her father to inform him that she will no longer try to contact him. Memo to Serena: He doesn’t care!

Gag reflex moment: Serena walking into the kitchen wearing nothing but Nate’s collared shirt and knee high socks. She’s slept over enough times to have a set of pajamas at the ready. They can be sexy pajamas, but wearing the dude’s shirt screams one-night-stand.

Gag reflex moment (honorable mention): Serena and Nate getting it on in the refrigerator. That can’t be comfortable. It surely wasn’t comfortable to watch.

Gag reflex moment (double honorable mention): Post-coital Dan and Vanessa grading their performance.

Best line: “You haven’t eaten bread since middle school.” Blair could see through Serena’s plan from a mile away.

Best line (honorable mention): “You’re young, you’ll get over it.” Oh snap, Rufus! Jenny obviously wants to be some tragic Juliet figure, otherwise why bother with Damien. Turn off the Taylor Swift, Jenny. “Romeo and Juliet” isn’t a fairy tale.

Best ulterior motive: Chuck’s mother. Do we trust that she just wants to be a part of Chuck’s life? Why come back after all these years? Sometimes it is just better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Breaking up is hard to do: Lily’s sleeping till noon and Rufus continues to act like a little girl by refusing to deal with this latest rift. Hiding out in Brooklyn won’t fix the problem.

Moving on down: Jenny is going back to Brooklyn. Maybe the change of zip code will knock some sense into her prissy brain.

Chuck lost one parent and has gained another, but how long will she stick around? Serena and Nate can’t keep their paws off each other, much to everyone else’s dismay. Jenny might have a boyfriend – too bad he’s a drug-peddling sleaze with daddy issues. And, Dan and Vanessa finally consummated their yearning. Oh, wait, didn’t they already do that with Olivia? What did you think?

The adults are starting to get it a little bit more, though Baze's foul-ups with Lux were mortifying.

For a little added twist, Bug is back, once again creating drama and more heartbreak for Lux. We tend to agree with Baze, who posited "how much can you miss a guy with a web on his neck?" But no judgment yet; we'll have to wait and see if Bug is back with a new perspective or is up to his old shenanigans.

Read more about sex talks, sexual rejection and all sorts of other reasons why high school sucks after the jump.

Anyway, Jones asks Lux to the winter formal. Thinking Jones is just engaging in conversation, Lux has an initial visceral reaction of disgust, but then realizes Jones actually wants to take her. We absolutely loved Baze's reaction when she tells him later on, but we are getting a little sick of his ignorance. Did he really need Math to remind him that going to the high school dance with someone isn't a guaranteed success just because said date is the quarterback? Baze has a daily adolescent reminder of how that can go awry.

Cate stops by the bar because Lux has essentially shut down all forms of conversation, so Baze suggests that she take Lux dress shopping. At the shop, Cate gets on her high-horse about Baze. Sick of hearing Cate play the blame game, Lux storms out of the shop leaving Cate to buy her a dress.

Meanwhile, Baze is freaking out by the thought of Lux having sex, so he does the only thing he can think of; he passes the buck. In a very misguided move, he invites Cate's sister Abby over to give Lux the sex talk, since Cate and Lux aren't on the best terms.

Little do they know that Bug showed up at the bar after Lux got home from dress shopping and asked her to take him back. Still hurt by him blowing town, she says no at first. She eventually relents and the couple does what many seasoned couples do when they're making up. Unfortunately, Baze and Abby come barging in and Lux and Bug don't get a chance to talk about things afterward.

While Bug hides in Lux's "room", probably the most awkward/hilarious sex talk we've heard on network television ensues between Lux, Baze and Abby. Not knowing Bug is right behind the shower curtains, Abby and Baze mention Jones, whom they assume the sex talk is about. Bug is furious and leaves Lux again, who tells him that he hasn't really changed and is just as hurtful as ever.

Meanwhile, Math shows up to Cate's and invites her to be a fellow chaperone at the dance. Cate is worried this will only annoy Lux more, but is dying to see her in her dress and agrees. Jones comes to pick up Lux and the two head off after Baze gives Jones the fatherly touch-her-and-you're-dead talk.

Jones and Lux are having a great time at the dance and Lux even seems to have forgiven Cate a little. But sure enough, Baze shows up to ruin the party, having found a condom wrapper under the couch. Thinking it belongs to Jones, he confronts Lux and Jones. Lux has to admit in front of Jones that it belongs to Bug, that he's back in town and (surprise!) that she's not a virgin. Jones is clearly hurt by this and leaves the dance.

Cate and Baze start to get into it over their old problems again. Cate reveals that she overheard a conversation Baze had with his football buddies after they slept together for the first time. Apparently Baze denied their hook-up and said he would have to gag her and put a bag over her head to even consider doing the deed. Cate tells Baze that she had really liked him and points to his callousness as the source of all her insecurities.

Even after all of this drama, things start to look up for Lux by the end of the dance. Bug shows up in formal wear with flowers he actually paid for.

Chastised by Cate, Baze returns to the bar where Abby is downing Cosmos. Baze is pretty down about his argument with Cate, but Abby tells him that he's doing the best he can with Lux and is a really good guy. Then to drive that point home, she sleeps with him. Silly Baze, you're weaving yourself a web stickier than the one on Bug's neck.

Cate shows up at Baze's with Zima and the Spin Doctors on tape, hoping to relive their winter formal in a more positive and chaste light. Lux walks in on Baze and Abby, but keeps it to herself while Baze and Cate make up. And not in the couple-y way.

Next week looks pretty contentious, with Baze and Cate potentially losing custody of Lux. Tune in Monday to see what happens.

Quotes to Note:

Jones: What’s the combo?
Lux: 1-2-3-4. It’s Baze’s

Cate: Who do you love?
Math: Cher, but not in a gay way.
Baze: Is there another way?

Cate: Does she need a dress?
Baze: Yes, yes she does, and you should get on that before Math does.

Baze: I’d rather date Satan, he’d go easier on me.

Baze: I’m not going to talk to Lux about sex, that’d be weird.
Math: You know what’d be even weirder? Being a grandfather.

Abby: Bad experiences can have dire consequences.
Baze: Diseases that make you go blind.

Math: Everyone looked like Kim Kardashian’s butt.

Kate: High school dances suck no matter how old you are.

Bug: They're paid for.

In any case, he did give away some spoilers for the upcoming episodes in season two, which definitely piqued our interest.

Even more interesting are Tristan's other acting exploits, including the yet-to-be-released George Lucas film, Red Tails, which relates the story of the Tuskegee Airmen. How no one has produced a big film about these men yet is astonishing, but we can't wait to see what Lucas and Wilds will bring to the historic table.

Read more about 90210, Red Tails and all things Tristan in our one-on-one interview after the jump.

Teddy was really into Silver until Dixon came back in the picture, is this going to mess up their friendship?
It will for a bit, but at the end of the day they're friends, they're still buddies. They're not going to let something like that come between them.

Will Dixon be able to contact his birth mother?
He will, but whether it's a positive or negative relationship, you'll have to wait and see.

Now that Navid's plan for outing Jasper as a drug dealer has backfired, will Dixon keep trying to get Jasper in trouble to protect Annie?
All I can say on that one is Jasper will definitely get what's coming to him at the end of the season.

You were on HBO’s The Wire for two years, which was a pretty serious program. How do you bring depth and realism to two characters who come from such different backgrounds?
You have to separate them and realize that they both have back stories. They both have different experiences and reasons for acting the way they do.

Aside from television, you’ve also had a lot of experience on stage all over New York. Which form of acting do you prefer?
I love them both. Theater is what introduced me to acting, I'll always love it. But I'm definitely starting to like film acting and television acting a lot, too.

Speaking of film, you’ll also be in George Lucas’s upcoming movie Red Tails. What was it like portraying such legendary American figures?
It’s a lot, with the research that we had to do, with everything that came with it. There was so much we had to learn about the Tuskegee Airmen beforehand. It was one of the most fulfilling things I've done in my career.

Did you perform any stunts for the film?
Yes. I actually got to, well, not literally jump out of a flying plane, but I got to jump and parachute.

What was it like filming in Europe?
We shot in Prague and Croatia. It was crazy! It was such a culture barrier, the food is different, the language is different Everything out there is so beautiful, the architecture, the landscape. I would definitely do it again if I had the chance.

Would you act in other historical films in the future?
Definitely. The chance to portray something with so much importance, something that actually touches people, is a wonderful acting experience.

You began acting from a very young age. Have you ever wanted to pursue other careers?
I have a bunch of other careers I want to pursue. I’m still young, and the world is my oyster, as my mom and dad have always said. I guess I'm a hungry little guy.

Speaking of which, how is your music album going?
So far its going great, hopefully it will be out really soon.

How do you find living in Los Angeles compared with your home town in New York?
It's pretty weird, being born and raised on the playground where I spent most of my days. (Laughs) I try to make it home as much as I can to visit my family, but I don't get out there very often.

What with George Lucas films and music, we definitely have a lot to look forward to from Mr. Wilds here. Luckily 90210 is back, so at least we can have a little snack to tide us over.

Photo of Wilds by Frederick M. Brown for Getty Images

Yep, we talk to the man behind Dean at the 100th episode party about challenging acting jobs, favorite eps, the brotherly bond, and just what he thinks of the fans (spoiler alert: he likes us all!). Check it out!

What's your take on Jensen's words? Do you agree with his top ep picks? Talk about it in the comments!

Tyra kicked off Cycle 14 of America's Next Top Model with a shameless plug for her myfiercepage.com page and the 32 semi-finalists kicked of the Cycle in typical fashion—with an incredible amount of screaming.

Mr. and Miss J are asked to do the dirty work. We don’t know what’s got Tyra so busy these days—her talk show is winding down while Mr. Jay Manuel is seemingly overbooked, fresh off the red carpet after doing the pre-Oscar commentary for The E! Channel, where he looked better than most of the starlets!

In order to whittle down from 32 to 14 contestants, the girls are asked to show their stuff as they create their own myfiercepage for the fellas. First it’s a photo and then they must show off their social net-WALKing skills.

Read more about the embarrassing pit-falls and heinous makeovers after the jump.

What supermodel are you?
Then, it’s imitate or eliminate when the remaining 20 finalists must make themselves up and pose like a famous supermodel and Jay must know which one they are imitating. First, the girls must know their supermodels and what they do—not so easy, apparently. Alasia couldn’t name one campaign that Naomi Campbell did and Tatianna opted to be Megan Fox, to which Jay replied, “This is America’s Next Top Model, not America’s Next Pretty, Hot Chick.” Talk about a bomb. But when the final contestants are announced, there are some surprises. A few of the girls who didn’t do so well in the photo shoot still got in but perhaps the biggest shocker of them all is that the J’s and Tyra could only agree on 12 girls so there will be a dozen, rather than 14 contestants this Cycle.

Oh, good…it’s Perez Hilton
Once in NYC the official 12 contestants are left to roam the streets where the encounter gossip hound and white-pen-happy Perez Hilton who is always up for a cameo if it gets his mug on camera for a few minutes. They introduce Ren, the edgy, surprise, 13th contestant who was handpicked by Tyra to round out the Cycle. And then they are whisked off for the hateful makeovers! This time the dirty deed is done at Sally Hershberger’s salon.

Makeovers are the pits!
Ren may look good up top but she doesn’t regularly shave her armpits. Apparently, it’s her own way of protesting—it’s a woman’s rights thing. That's dealt with immediately. Then they lighten up Gabrielle. Simone gets the side of her head shaved and she looks rockin’. Brenda is the first to cry when they cut her hair off. They bleach Naduah’s eyebrows. No, not again! But she loves it (she grew up in a cult--which could help explain). Angelea gets a Tyra-like-weave. Raina and Jessica go super dark. Anslee also cries at first but is open to the new short and super-fashionable look. All-in-all it’s not too painful...for us at home.

The new digs
The loft this Cycle is ultra cool, complete with a gigantic runway and a tub you can do laps in. Anslee and Angelea immediately argue over their space in the enormous walk-in closet. Angelea brings some angry vibes to the house and Ren thinks all the drama is unnecessary. But we think—hey, ratings! The real monster of the house turns out to be Alasia who has clearly forgotten that the Lord has changed her for the better.

Great quotes—hilarity ensues
“If you’re boring…don’t show up.” Jay Manuel
“I’m classy ghetto. I’m me.” Angelea
“It’s not a stare. It’s a 'bitch, please' look.” Angelea

Bring on the catwalk…or catfight
This seems to be the most volatile group of contestants we’ve seen in awhile. What do you think of the drama in the house? Were you surprised at any of the finalists who didn’t end up getting on the show? Do you think Tyra made good choices in the final 13? Tell us in the comments.

Everything seems to be imploding all at once and we've got a lot to talk about. Read more about the girl-on-girl kisses, quasi-nudity and general shenanigans these kids are getting up to after the jump.

Also, why did you think you could tangle with Jasper? He's a drug-dealer and he broke your arm. Clearly, he has a few tricks up his sleeve.

Was Naomi always this dumb? We know Naomi was cast as the spoiled, naive rich girl, but yesterday was just painful. From buying Ivy a Fendi baguette (we at the CW Source feel you should not tease us with that word unless you're talking about actual French bread -- and you have enough for us), to giving Adrianna a rum and coke, to her treasure trove of idiotic word vomit ("I thought it was another Chinese scam like tai chi or acupuncture!"), she was just a ludicrous mess. Is it a rule on network television that the blond bombshell has to play up her hair color? Because we object to that misnomer.

But she was definitely good for some laughs. Lightening up these teen soap operas is what the CW does best and we can't get enough. The weather is cold here. We need something to brighten up our day.

Was Dixon always this shifty? Dixon was all over the moral map last night. First of all, he lies to Silver and agrees with her that their kiss was a mistake. Then he lies to Teddy and tells him that they're probably going to get back together, which there definitely had to be a more tactful way of doing. Then he tries to win Silver back my asking her to "just forget everything he said" when they were breaking up. Words exchanged during breakups are hard to forget, Dixon, and you haven't exactly proven yourself a trustworthy friend, either.

On top of all this, he finally agrees to help Navid plant the drugs in Jasper's locker. At least this we can kind of understand, since Dixon changed his mind to protect Annie. But we still wish we knew what was going on in that head of his.

Sidenote: Why are students allowed to kick box and told to aim for "near the groin"? That just seems like a disaster/lawsuit waiting to happen. We get that it elevated the drama of the scene, but that could be demonstrated with any competitive activity. Basketball scrimmage, Hungry, Hungry Hippos; just something that doesn't involve delivering round-house kicks.

Was Adrianna always such a boring kisser? We have the answer to this one: No, she was not. As we recall from her other partners, she's a great kisser. So why would she bother to sit on Gia's lap only to kiss her like a seven-year-old boy who pecks his crush after pulling her pigtails? If you're going to try and make Gia's ex jealous, you should at least put some effort into it. We're really hoping that a more interesting exploration of teen sexuality is in the works. These are big issues, let's talk about sex, baby.

Was Jasper always giving you the "Fear" vibe? Because we were definitely feeling the Mark Wahlberg/Reese Witherspoon thing in this episode. There is something very sinister brewing in Jasper, who showed Annie his true colors when he essentially blackmailed her into staying with him. Along with all the "love you forever" texts and random violent outbursts, we're fairly certain this plot line is going to come to a rolling boil.

All in all, it was a pretty satisfying episode. It hit the ground running with lots of dramatic sub-plots and plenty of opportunities for the characters to get themselves into trouble for our amusement. Whether or not that gets old and results in us screaming at the television screen in exasperation like we do with Serena van der Woodsen is a mystery for the time being.

Other points to note:

• We know that Debbie is a mom and therefore nosy as hell, but helping Kelly find a man is only going to backfire. Like everything else on this show.
• Did Teddy have to lay the player thing on so thick with Silver? We know he's trying to help her get over him and help his friend get back together with her, but the player monologue was just hurtful. It's called "letting her down easy." Look into it.
• We totally remember playing Ivy's "I'm just the friend and I don't like you like that" cool thing. It never works out, kid; go for the jugular.
• About Naomi and the flasher coat: Really CW? Two naked bodies under coats in one week? By the way, Serena pulled it off much better, since she actually attended her event clothed to begin with, whereas Naomi looked like Carmen Sandiego on a hot date.
• Scratch hot date. "House call."

Read more about the web of lies at Melrose Place after the jump.

Jonah needs to take a lesson from Lauren and lie a little
They may have been on a break but silly Jonah feels the need to expose his Ella secret to Riley—mainly because Ella insists on it. Then, he was either smart enough or chicken enough not to tell the truth, which infuriates Ella who tells Jonah to grow a pair and figure out what he really wants. What we see is that Ella really wants him to want her.

Party time at Ben Brinkley’s house
For some reason Amanda wants everyone who resides at 4616 Melrose Place to come to her big coming out party at Ben’s (we find out later that she wants to have their apartments searched for a piece of art while they are away—she’s so savvy!). When Amanda cans the caterer last minute, Ella hires hot, sexually frustrated Auggie who starts out okay but then proceeds to get drunk while on the job. Violet discovers the mess and tells him that they aren’t doing themselves any favors by staying in LA and living at Melrose. They’re tortured souls and they need to move on—besides, their contracts have been cancelled.

Amanda’s beau could be perfect—he’s hot and he buys her shoes…and cars!
Amanda’s bearded Ben Brinkley had us at hello. But when he disappoints Amanda with a convertible Bentley (we’d love to be disappointed like that!) instead of a few karats on her finger and then gets caught flirting heavily with Ella, his charm sputters a bit. Okay, not really—we still love him—except for the part of him that speaks fluent Klingon.

Then, when Ella runs after Amanda to tell her that Ben was just getting her opinion on his “backup gift,” we think that the woman might actually show us her soft side. We also wonder why Ella and not Ben went running after Amanda—but we digress. Instead, Amanda really let’s Ella have it, telling her that she was presumptuous to think that she’s be threatened by her. She may be attractive enough to catch Ben’s eye, but in the grand scheme of things she just doesn’t measure up. She’s nobody. It’s clearly not Ella’s day.

Time to get truthy…or not
Jonah and Riley have such a great time at Ben’s party that Riley takes him back into one of the deserted rooms and tries to seduce him. She wants to start over and live for the moment. He chooses that moment to tell her what happened with Ella the night before. She’s devastated and tells him she doesn’t even know him. Then Jonah heads to David’s to get some comfort from his friend, who ironically hasn’t been told the truth by his girlfriend.

At the end of the night Ben tells Amanda that he knows he blew it with the Bentley and Amanda almost let it slip that she was hoping for a marriage proposal. When he asks her if she’d like that she tells him of course not, they’re not ready for that yet. But we all know the truth. For a smart guy, Ben’s pretty dense when it comes to the chicks.

Auggie must have decided that Violet was right about bailing town. In the fastest move we’ve ever seen, Auggie’s entire apartment is cleaned out, leaving just a goodbye note for Riley, and he and Violet speed off into the sunrise.

Doctor Mancini’s positive prognosis for Melrose Place
Even though the ratings for the first half of the Melrose Place season weren’t stellar, Thomas Calabro (our own Doctor Mancini) hasn’t given the show a terminal diagnosis. In fact, the good doctor recently told E! Online that if it’s anything like the MP of the 1990s, it’ll struggling at first and move on to be a huge hit. Besides, things are looking good internationally for the show and expect to see a few more Melrose alums to show up at the famed courtyard.

What will it take to make the new MP a bona fide hit? The return of Jake? More catfights? A haunted pool? Tell us here—in the comments!